I Hate Dane Cook

I hate Dane Cook.

Before I go any further, let me applaud the guy for being a genius self promoter. He was unsuccessfully trying to make a name for himself doing the traditional stand up tour in small clubs around the US. When he realized that this wasn't getting him anywhere, he sunk $30,000 of his own money into a website and a MySpace page (before any other celebrities), only to be ridiculed by his colleagues. The rest is history. He has become one of the highest grossing comedians per tour of this generation.

Good for him.

Here's why I hate him.

1. He Isn't Funny
What is it that comes out of his mouth that people find so hilarious? I don't understand it. He says nothing witty or intelligent. He runs around stage making stupid faces, making up words, making up hand gestures (yes, you SU-FI) and acts as though what he is saying is indeed funny. It isn't.

2. He Fools People
I think what he is doing is fooling people into believing he's funny.
'Well, he looks like he's being funny, he must be funny'.
This may sound like I'm being rather pretentious, but Dane Cook is what is wrong with society. When someone like him can sell out stadium after stadium, it says something about the level of intelligence in this world. It's the same as how a show like Arrested Development gets canceled and a show like According to Jim is still running strong. If we are constantly told that Dane Cook is hilarious, then that is what we as a collective group will begin to think is funny. It isn't.

3. He Plays it Safe
To me, the best comedians say something. They take a stand on issues and make a point. Whether it be observational, topical or even prop comedy, the best comedians say something, anything. They aren't afraid to push the envelope. Dane Cook doesn't even dare to say anything topical or take a stand on anything. He curses. Take out the four letter words and he's a comedian my grandma could listen to without being offended.
This isn't to say that all comedians must take on the world in their stand-up routines, but at least most that play it safe are still funny. Dane Cook tries to act and sound like what he is saying pushes the envelope and is bad ass. It isnt.

4. He Steals Jokes
Comedians hate Dane Cook. It's not that they're jealous of his success, although I'm sure some are, its that he was, and still is, known as a joke thief. He steals jokes from other comedians and pawns them off as his own, often in a delivery that doesn't even resemble what some people call comedic timing.
While he was coming up, other comedians didn't care that he was stealing because they didn't think he was going anywhere. He just sucked at stand-up. They were wrong.
When you are a comedian and you find out that you are doing a bit that is similar to another comedians, you call him or her up to discuss it. Often times, it is just parallel thinking, a coincidence that the material is similar. The two comedians will discuss who was doing the bit first and they will be the ones who can continue to use it. Dane Cook has never done this, but only flat out denies having similar material, even though he is known to have seen the allegedly stolen material live. In fact, Dane Cook is known to be very litigious and will sue anyone who does any material that he deems to be similar to anything he has ever done as though its worth protecting. It isn't

LOUIS C.K. is the best example of a comedian Dane Cook has stolen jokes from.
Please listen to the clip below.
It can show better than I could ever explain the klepto that Dane Cook is.

Now, keep in mind that Dane Cook was known to have seen this material live a few years before he performed it. There are many other examples of this type of joke theft he has been accused of. Louis C.K. is the most prevalent example.

4. He's A Douche
I really just don't like him. He's the type of guy I want to hit in the back of the head with a fastball when I see them walking down the street. I really don't know what is so appealing about this guy. It quite honestly blows my mind how many people find him funny. Did you know that when he was younger, he was known to smash puppies and kittens in his comedy bits, à la Gallagher? It's true, look it up. It isn't.

If you're still reading this stream-of-consciousness rant, I thank you.